The internet wasn’t working, so I shot my computer. (You
have to say that with a southern accent, it works much better…)
It seems as if the computer gods are out to get me. I am
thwarted at every turn. Shmer.
I am a Petroleum Landman by trade (I know, get the
pitchforks, I’m part of the problem, not the solution to pretty much everything
you can think of right now, I bet) and I utilize the internet for pretty much
everything I do. Many of the websites are state-run, which I can only access
through Internet Explorer, or county-run, which seem to be ok with Chrome, and,
like all things the government gets involved in, sometimes they just don’t work
right. Surprised? I’m not, but I am working on a project right now with pretty
strict deadlines, and if I can’t get online, I can’t get this done, and then I
won’t have a job. I know this is a problem many people face. It is not just my
problem, it is a collective problem, but today, I am sharing my story.
For instance, I am on the state-run website, and I can SEE
that there are oil and gas wells, but when I pull up the county site it says that
there are no documents. ‘No Results Found’ I mimic, sneering to my computer
before making Grrrrr sounds at it. I should just start banging on the keyboard
and it might reflect the sounds I am currently making.
This was my conversation with IE earlier this morning. See
how nice and polite I was?
Me: Hello, Internet Explorer, it is very nice to see you
today! Will you please let me pull up the information I need?
IE: Maybe, but it’s going to cost you.
Me: Whatever do you mean, my dear friend Internet Explorer?
IE: It’s just that I’m getting pretty sick and tired of doing
this and doing that and pulling up the pages you want to look at only to have
you close them a second later. It’s a lot of work and I’m tired. I need a
vacation.
Me: Please, Internet Explorer, my friend, my pal, will you
please help me today? I need you, and then you can have a break. It’s Friday! I
don’t make you work weekends! Please, I’m begging you now!
IE: We’ll see. I’m not very motivated today.
Me: Well, if that’s the best you can do, then I guess that’s
that.
IE: Yup.
So, we end our conversation and I try to pull something up.
Nothing. It is clear to me that IE wasn’t trying to be silly or facetious. He
was telling me the truth. He kept trying to tell me that he couldn’t find the
page. I had to hit refresh numerous times before he got his lazy butt up and
went to his file cabinet to pull the magical information and paste it to my
screen.
This is my later conversation:
Me: Fine, IE, you are NOT my friend anymore and I’m going to
tell all of my REAL friends not to use you, because you are worthless. You hear
me? WORTHLESS!
IE: You can’t do that.
Me: Why not? (now I am worried I will lose this battle)
IE: Because many sites depend on me and only work with me.
Me: (trying to click open the page again. IE is lazy again.
We get into the clicking war. AGAIN) You are, ugh! I don’t even know the word!
I am so more than frustrated right now.
IE: Smug. I am smug. I choose what you will and won’t get
done today. That makes me smug.
Me: I’m sooo glad you’ve been reading dictionary.com again.
It seems to be doing you wonders. Now. OPEN UP THIS PAGE!
IE: No.
Me: ARGH ARGH ARGH! I really don’t like you right now, IE.
You are ruining my day.
IE: Now you know what it feels like. Ha ha. I win.
Me: No you don’t. I win. I will just shoot the computer
and solve the whole problem.
(IE immediately decides to work again. I am happy with
the outcome. It just took a little threatening to solve the problem, although it
will happen all over again on Monday.)
Now, if I could only get Chrome to work. It doesn’t seem to
respond to my threats as much. I think it is ignoring me. I think it thinks
that I’ve gone off my rocker. Probably. Yeah, pretty much. Can somebody give me
a lobotomy? Please?
