Hi! I'm Lauren, and I need a Lobotomy.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

military mother's day

Well, I have had a bit of a pity party for myself today. No, I did not deserve to have one but my mind went there anyway.
I woke up this morning doing some math in my head (never a good idea…) I realized that I have only spent 3 of the last eight years with my husband on Mother’s Day. Comes with the territory because I am a military spouse. Let me just say that I know I am fortunate because I have spent all of my Mother’s Days with my children, which is what it is actually all about, but come on.
B left on Tuesday for an exercise in Denver. I wasn’t too upset, because it is what it is and we spend a lot of time apart, but our 10 year anniversary was on Thursday. Due to a rain delay he wasn’t home until late Thursday, the night of said anniversary. Hard to get into any sort of mood to celebrate, but I digress. This post isn’t about that. It’s about me being selfish, and because it’s my blog, and I clearly need a lobotomy, it’s ok.
After his mission in Denver the team went up to Thermopolis, WY for another hazmat session. No big deal because the kids and I drove up after school on Friday afternoon. I was under the impression that they wouldn’t be leaving for a further training session until after noon on Sunday (today, for those of you keeping track). Sometime yesterday the time changed to them rolling out of town at 9AM. Again, shouldn’t be a big deal, but to me it kind of is. Because of the history of the notice paid to holidays by the higher-ups in the military. (probably shooting myself in the foot by continuing) I have a bit of a grudge. I did sign up for it, as did B, but that’s not the point right now. My upcoming lobotomy is the point.
So, the kids and I found ourselves in Thermopolis on Friday night. 5 hour drive but it wasn’t too bad, considering I live way out west now and nothing is close. We enjoyed the hot tub heated by a natural (read: stinky) hot spring until we couldn’t stand the stink, oops, I mean heat, any longer. We were tuckered out and tucked ourselves into bed because B had an early morning and I knew Finn would be awake as soon as Daddy was despite our best effort to make the room as dark as possible.
So, yada yada ya, day passes and the team returns. Now is when I find out that they are leaving town at 9AM on Sunday (Mother’s Day). I had been expecting noon. I was sad but I don’t think I showed it. (crossed fingers and all – I will share better parts of the trip soon, I do promise)
Which brings me to this morning. I woke up crying and crunching numbers. Please don’t feel sorry for me because I no longer do (j/k – I know you don’t feel sorry for me to begin with because clearly I am a masochist) I realized that the only time B has been around for a Mother’s Day was in ’05, ’08′ and 2010. Wow. What a track record. I think my issue with today is the fact that I drove 5 hours to see him. Normally not that big of a deal to me (I’ve driven upwards of 20 for the same thing) but what hurt me today was the fact that I thought I had until at least noon to feel like a family and a Mom worth celebrating. Totally a timing thing, but it was my bad to drive that far hoping for something more. For all that I went through since LAST M’s day, I wanted this one to be better. I should have only gone with the idea of a tiny vacation in mind.
So, my proposal, in order to bring my brain into alignment with my heart, is to create a rotating holiday schedule that fits the completely asinine military appreciation of regular, civilian holidays. Screw Mother’s Day. Screw Father’s Day. Screw Christmas. Screw anything else that might be important to the spouse of a military member. Instead, they can work any other Federal holiday that they might get paid for, ie anything that falls on a Monday. Probably going to bite my leg off to spite my face, but it’s about the nicest thing I have to say right now. From now on I will require the training schedule January 1st and then I will decide on which dates certain holidays fall, pretty much like how Easter changes every year. Not like it will make a difference, and I doubt it will, but I feel better for having shared it and that is the point of all of this. I really don’t want a lobotomy.
Also, because I feel bad for being selfish I do recognize that not everyone has the ideal Mother’s Day. Some are without their partners and some are without their children. I don’t want, and will not, take away from that. What hurt for me is the fact that I thought I could have breakfast with my family today. I know not everyone gets to experience that. I have missed out on so many important things with my husband and family that I completely understand. What hurts and what prompted me to share today was the ‘getting the rug pulled out from under me’ moment that I had when I wanted (and thought there would be) more. If I had known ahead of time it wouldn’t have been a problem because I would have been prepared. Goodness knows what I have missed out on in life so far. However; I am so, so, so lucky I had my babies today and I do know that. I just want a day to sleep in and breakfast in bed. I know it’s a lot to ask, but one day it will be mine.
I feel for everyone wanting a different outcome for today. I am so happy for those that got the best day. I cry with those that don’t have their babies today. In the end I try and stay positive. Here’s to the moms, grandmas, aunties, friends, and fur-mamas. I couldn’t have done any of this without you. Love to you all!!!

Sunday, May 5, 2013


So, I'm not sure what sort of sign this is or even if I should be sharing it with the universe, but here goes. I was silly and had been sort of praying at church (while not really paying attention to the sermon, which incidentally was about the power of one prayer) that I would hear soon about the job and that it would be a positive phone call. I did get out of the service that it isn't 'what' you pray about but 'how' you pray. Made sense to me because I have a history of praying for things (like patience) that get answered but not necessarily in the way I want them answered.

For instance, during my praying-for-patience phase I auditioned for a roll in the Nutcracker ballet with a ballet company in Minnetonka, MN. I busted my butt for that try-out. When the list came out for the production I found out that I had landed a part as a maid. A maid. One tiny part in one tiny scene. Some parents of my friends had warned me that my patience would be tested as a result of that one, itty bitty, prayer. They were right. I was tested.

That same year I had a part as the back-up during a Ronald McDonald skating routine. My only part in the production. I wanted to cry and die. It felt like an entire year of my life was wasted. I was used to being front and center in everything I endeavored to do and the turn of events, because of one prayer, was disastrous for me. Not to toot my own horn, but I have several gold medals for solo and synchronized skating routines as well as for dancing, so I was at least fairly acceptable at what I chose to do. To be put in the background was horrifying for someone used to succeeding and winning over the judges. It is what it is. That prayer, at the time, ruined my life. I recognize and appreciate the power of one prayer.
Which leads me to a strange turn of events...

We had communion at church today. It is one of my most favorite things about church. I think I just like the excuse to eat an oyster cracker and drink some grape juice, but I digress... I get to say a personal prayer and send my thoughts out in the way I want to without any direction. Today I prayed that the interview process had gone smoothly and I would soon hear about this job. (and please, God, let me get it!) Very selfish, I know, but I couldn't help myself. It was my moment and I took it.

After we had gathered the kiddos and as we were walking out of the building I heard someone call my name. I turned and there was one of the guys who interviewed me last week. I got flustered and said a few polite lines of conversation before I said good bye and headed to the car. I was trying not to jeopardize the hiring process.

After that Brian told me I had the job. I hope he is right! I keep playing the scene over in my head, and if I had been in the interviewers position I wouldn't have spoken to me if I hadn't been chosen because it would have been awkward. Wishful thinking? Maybe. Coincidence? Perhaps.
I am going to keep my fingers crossed in the meantime.