Hi! I'm Lauren, and I need a Lobotomy.

Friday, March 9, 2012

The Internet Wasn't Working - So I Shot My Computer

The internet wasn’t working, so I shot my computer. (You have to say that with a southern accent, it works much better…)
It seems as if the computer gods are out to get me. I am thwarted at every turn. Shmer.

I am a Petroleum Landman by trade (I know, get the pitchforks, I’m part of the problem, not the solution to pretty much everything you can think of right now, I bet) and I utilize the internet for pretty much everything I do. Many of the websites are state-run, which I can only access through Internet Explorer, or county-run, which seem to be ok with Chrome, and, like all things the government gets involved in, sometimes they just don’t work right. Surprised? I’m not, but I am working on a project right now with pretty strict deadlines, and if I can’t get online, I can’t get this done, and then I won’t have a job. I know this is a problem many people face. It is not just my problem, it is a collective problem, but today, I am sharing my story.

For instance, I am on the state-run website, and I can SEE that there are oil and gas wells, but when I pull up the county site it says that there are no documents. ‘No Results Found’ I mimic, sneering to my computer before making Grrrrr sounds at it. I should just start banging on the keyboard and it might reflect the sounds I am currently making.

This was my conversation with IE earlier this morning. See how nice and polite I was?
Me: Hello, Internet Explorer, it is very nice to see you today! Will you please let me pull up the information I need?
IE: Maybe, but it’s going to cost you.
Me: Whatever do you mean, my dear friend Internet Explorer?
IE: It’s just that I’m getting pretty sick and tired of doing this and doing that and pulling up the pages you want to look at only to have you close them a second later. It’s a lot of work and I’m tired. I need a vacation.
Me: Please, Internet Explorer, my friend, my pal, will you please help me today? I need you, and then you can have a break. It’s Friday! I don’t make you work weekends! Please, I’m begging you now!
IE: We’ll see. I’m not very motivated today.
Me: Well, if that’s the best you can do, then I guess that’s that.
IE: Yup.

So, we end our conversation and I try to pull something up. Nothing. It is clear to me that IE wasn’t trying to be silly or facetious. He was telling me the truth. He kept trying to tell me that he couldn’t find the page. I had to hit refresh numerous times before he got his lazy butt up and went to his file cabinet to pull the magical information and paste it to my screen.

This is my later conversation:
Me: Fine, IE, you are NOT my friend anymore and I’m going to tell all of my REAL friends not to use you, because you are worthless. You hear me? WORTHLESS!
IE: You can’t do that.
Me: Why not? (now I am worried I will lose this battle)
IE: Because many sites depend on me and only work with me.
Me: (trying to click open the page again. IE is lazy again. We get into the clicking war. AGAIN) You are, ugh! I don’t even know the word! I am so more than frustrated right now.
IE: Smug. I am smug. I choose what you will and won’t get done today. That makes me smug.
Me: I’m sooo glad you’ve been reading dictionary.com again. It seems to be doing you wonders. Now. OPEN UP THIS PAGE!
IE: No.
Me: ARGH ARGH ARGH! I really don’t like you right now, IE. You are ruining my day.
IE: Now you know what it feels like. Ha ha. I win.
Me: No you don’t. I win. I will just shoot the computer and solve the whole problem.

(IE immediately decides to work again. I am happy with the outcome. It just took a little threatening to solve the problem, although it will happen all over again on Monday.)

Now, if I could only get Chrome to work. It doesn’t seem to respond to my threats as much. I think it is ignoring me. I think it thinks that I’ve gone off my rocker. Probably. Yeah, pretty much. Can somebody give me a lobotomy? Please?


  1. This is neither here nr there, but my great-grandfather, who died long before i was born, was personally acquainted with on of the two neurosurgeons who performed the lobotomy on Rosemary Kennedy. I can't remember for certain whether my great-grandfather knew Dr. James Watts or Dr. Walter Freeman, both of whom participated in Rosemary's surgery. I realize that no one other than I probably gives a rip about this, but with "lobotomy" being in the title of your blog, I felt inspired to share.

  2. I didn't even have an inkling about her or her lobotomy. I have now done some reading and research into her history and it's fascinating. Thank you for sharing!