It is not any surprise if you have read any of the past posts on this thing that K (F calls her YaYa, so that’s what she’ll be from now on) and I have been having a lot of conflicts. Every once in a while she comes up with something that makes me re-evaluate things.
I picked her up from school the other day and we stayed after a few minutes so the kids could play on the playground equipment. They LOVE to do that, as I’m sure most kids do. I was tired and so I sat down on the bench to watch. YaYa came over and sat down next to me. We were sitting in silence until she looked around and saw a little girl in a wheelchair.
“Do you see that girl in the wheelchair?” she asked me. I braced myself, wondering what she was going to ask.
I responded with, “Yup.”
“Do you see that lady with her?” I nodded. “That’s her Mommy.”
“Oh, really?” I knew this already because I’d seen them at the school before. The little girl is a new Kindergartener.
“That girl is very lucky.” My curiosity was immediately piqued.
“Why is that?” I asked, wondering what in the heck she was going to say.
“She’s lucky because her Mommy gets to stay with her all day long at school. I wish you could stay all day long with me at school.”
Wow, I thought. I was speechless. I guess I thought she really did hate me all this time. I will hear her in her room, stomping about, yelling that she hates me; she hates my rules; she hates everything else about this house, but I guess it’s just a way for her to relieve stress. I don’t stop her. I know you have to get it out somehow. She wowed me with her ability to think beyond someone's physical characteristics.
She really is a sweet, caring, kind person. I know that. I do. I know there are worse children out there. When we are in the thick of it and she is testing my control and I have to force her to follow my rules it’s easy to forget that we do need each other. YaYa is a much better arguer than I will ever be and I just want to give in and let her run the show, but I know I can’t. I know that I need to stay firm with the rules but it really hurts when I have to punish her. I don’t like to see her sad. I don’t like it when she yells at me.
YaYa says a lot of really mean things to me when she is mad. I try not to take it personally and I try to understand she is just testing the waters and trying to figure out her place in life. The next time we have a blow-up I will only have to remember this conversation and know that she doesn’t, in her heart, think I am ruining her life and that she really hates me. I think that will be enough. (for now)